Broken

My experience in Russia has been very difficult for me so far but praise God he is working on me and breaking my selfishness! We had a baby die this week and even though I only knew Tatyana for a few days I just loved her so much. She was 2 months old and unlike most orphans here she was a true orphan meaning that both parents are dead. Most of the girls here have living parents, but the parents either didn't want them or can't feed them. The older girls do a wonderful job helping the younger ones. Its just part of their job and it is expected of them.

Most girls are forced to leave the orphanage by the time they are 16 years old because the government cannot afford to care for them. Sometimes they are forced to leave as early as 14 years old. These girls won't have a home much longer and have a 70% chance of ending up in prostitution, 40% chance of being homeless, 30% chance of ending up in prison and 10% chance of simply calling it quits and committing suicide. Its hard to imagine these little toddlers growing up to be prostitutes but that is the sad reality. There are just too many orphans to be adopted by good families. My prayer is that some day they will give their life to Christ and will become adopted into Gods family.

Each day starts out early in the morning as soon as the sun comes up. Part of the routine for the older girls is to get dressed, then dress the younger children, feed them and wash their daipers out when they get dirty.

This is Nadya. Her name means hope and as you can see she has the joy of the Lord on her face. I believe with all of my heart that she is one of the 30% who will not end up in prostitution. She turns 16 in November so she will be forced to leave very soon. Even though her future is unsure she continues to have joy. I love her. She is my sister in the Lord.

Even though I find joy in being with these children my heart aches for their future. Its hard to imagine the horrors that these girls will go through in life when you see their innocence. Some already have been through horrors. About 48 of the girls in this orphanage were dropped off by girls who grew up in this same orphanage and have become pregnant as a result of getting involved in prostitution. The girls know that this orphanage is a safe place and the only chance their babies have of surviving. Out of these 48 girls about half were born with syphilis and 9 have HIV.

Next week I am going to a near by country and will be serving prostitutes who have come out of a similar orphan background. I don't know if it will be harder to be here or to be there. I know that I will face a different kind of person. One who is hardened and angry. These young ladies are considered the lowest lifeform here and they are often raped, beaten and killed by a growing population of men who have no hope in life. Last week, while I was sitting in my warm house drinking cocoa and feeling comfortable, a 13 year old boy who was high and out of control stabbed and killed a 15 year old prostitute and then, after she was bloodied and dead and unable to fight back he acted out his sexual fantasies on her while his friends stood by and recorded everything just for kicks. Even after she was lifeless the rest of the boys had their way with her until they simply because too exhausted to continue and then fell asleep next to her dead body.

I cry when I think about young Vasilisa who just learned to walk growing up to have this happen to her. If God is speaking to your heart and calling you to adopt please don't forget Russia. I know there are needs all over the world but it just isn't as popular or exotic to adopt from Russia and these girls are suffering because of it. Will you pray to ask God if he wants you to adopt one of these girls? Are you willing to give up your comforts so that Vasilisa won't know a life of violence?

Missions update

I bought my tickets this morning for my missions trip to Russian and the Ukraine. I am so excited! I will be gone for 2 weeks in October and will be visiting a school and some hospitals. There are a lot of people who are sick there but even more who are spiritually sick. The most exciting part of the trip for me will be when we spend a week in the Ukraine with Ukrainian prostitutes. One of the things that has grown since communism fell is the sex industry in Eastern Europe. Prostitution and pornography are everywhere and usually the girls who get pulled into having sex on camera are also pulled into prostitution. There is a lot of poverty there and the wealthier people who are making money off of pornography are taking advantage of the girls who will do anything to feed their family and their children and their parents and brothers and sisters. God has given me a message to take to these lovely girls and it is that God will provide for their needs. He will provide food and shelter and he will even provide the love that they are seeking from selling their bodies. God has blessed me. I need to bless others in return. Please pray for me!

Missions

I've been talking for a while now about being a missionary and have been able to go on a couple short trips over the last year. Right now I have an opportunity to visit the Ukraine and Russia. This will be in a few weeks. Please pray for me! I don't want this to be about seeing new places and traveling. I want this to be about God and what he is doing. If you pray for me pray that I will be able to love the people who I will be helping while I am there. I want to love people but sometimes I have a hard time because I want to be the one who is being loved. Maybe this a result of trying to find love and acceptance my whole life. Or maybe it is just because I'm selfish. But pray for me so I can finally take my eyes off me and put them on Christ. Pray that I won't try to be the center of attention and that I will have a quiet spirit that God can use.

Beauty

I never thought of myself as beautiful. In fact I would even go as far to say that I have always thought of myself as unlovable. Maybe this is why I have tried so hard to find love in so many places that I had no business being in. Until a year ago I used to have an addiction to anything that was erotic. I used by body in ways I'm am ashamed to admit. But something happened to me when some friends of mine began talking about Jesus. The truth is they have always talked about Jesus but something happened that I can't explain and I began to hear them. Suddenly the things they were saying about forgiveness made sense to me. This was the beginning of a very exciting journey.



Today I see myself as a beautiful woman made in gods image. This doesn't mean that I look like a supermodel because I still have the same physical flaws that I have always had. But my beauty is coming from my modesty instead of my nakedness and from my silence instead of a loud mouth. My loud mouth has been the hardest change. I have to remind myself all the time that it is almost always best to not say anything. I still have flaws but my stains that made me so dirty are gone. I know this doesn't make sense but I have a father in heaven who looks at me and sees a beautiful girl instead of a dirty used rag that I used to feel like.







Today when I was walking home from work with my friend and we saw these beautiful flowers and they just took my breath away because they were so perfect. They were like nothing I have ever seen. I got up real close to them so that I could get a better look and just enjoy their perfectness. My friend made a comment about how they were pretty but were also starting to fade and had some holes in the petals. This made me think about how I see myself and how god sees me. I used to think of myself as withering up with holes and stains all over me because I had just given my body away to anyone who wanted it. I could not see the beauty that god wanted me to be because I was always comparing myself to another girls body or another girl who had a perfect boyfriend. I was always seeing myself next to my picture of an ideal woman and I was not measuring up. I think a year ago I would only have seen the imperfections in those flowers. But today I see myself like I saw the flowers today. My beauty is not taken from a comparison to a perfect flower, but it is taken from the joy that I can give to god when he hears me sing priases to him or when I offer my prayers to him in the morning or when I get dressed each morning and decide that I am going to cover my body even when I feel the need to be desired. I am beautiful. Not because of my appearance but because I bring joy to god by the way that I act and by the way that I honor him with my body which is his temple. I am beautiful because the god who created me takes joy in me and he is the one who gets to decide what is beautiful. God is still working on my attitude about my appearance. Some times I wish i was skinnier or had blond hair and blue eyes or had a husband who thought the world of me. But even if that never happens I will always be beautiful because I bring joy to God.